Despair … a feeling of constantly being asked to take sides, to affirm allegiance, to stand unequivocally for something, and therefore unequivocally against something. I am unable to do so, out of fear, out of resistance to authority, out of frustration. When I search myself for principles, mine are shifting and constantly reshaping. Perhaps they are not really principles, at all, but emotional reactions to events outside me. I want to be accepted by you, loved by you, and so I feel pressure to say what you say, to do what you do, to make you laugh and to win your praise.
Without principles, without a foundation beneath me, I am subjected to the moods of the day. Today the mood is uncertainty, and I am afraid of how people and events will affect me. The Country is riven, laudable protests over the death of George Floyd, the justified anger of black communities across the country, perverted and twisted into looting, burning, and an escalation of violent rhetoric that threatens us all. Perhaps we – the whites – need to feel the threat of implied and real violence to understand the tension and dread that some African-Americans, and other minorities, feel every day. I believe not, though, and feel guilty sometimes that I want order restored, even if it means tanks on the street. These are my conflicting emotions this morning, the feelings that pummel my ego: I am sickened when the police injure and kill innocent black men, and anyone, but I want the police to protect my wife, and my property, from criminals, with all available force.
I am terrified that my accumulated possessions will be taken, or leeched away slowly, leaving me either financially destitute, dependent on corporations, forced to ask for help, and, worse, finger-wagged and told-you-so’d. As badly as I fear financial insecurity, I fear your disapproval more, your ability to exclude me from the circles of success, and from the laughter of the crew. And I imagine, this morning, how it must feel for black, brown, and Asian people in offices, classrooms, and shopping centers across the country, worried about the growing weight of white disapproval, the constant threat of force behind that disapproval, the sense of exclusion and mistrust, and the anticipation of passive consequences that will linger, like tear-gas, in the air, long after these events have passed.
Despair … then loss, as if my imagination and vocabulary are gone, never to return, victims of this outlandish caricature that our culture becomes. I don’t know how to help, where to help, what to do to help, but I loathe the tactics of social value-signaling. I want to DO something, not POST something, but I don’t know where to start, or what my fears will allow. I afraid to act, and afraid not to act, and so am poisoned by doubt, and insecurity, and morbid self-reflection.
Many years ago, I came to believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity. This morning, and many mornings, I am driven toward insanity by my fear, and my emotions, which twist my perceptions and encourage my most selfish behaviors. I am insane to think that I can stop the flow of events, but I am equally insane to believe that effort is meaningless. I want these extremes to be true, so that I can stay home, read, and attend virtual AA meetings, without feeling guilty. When I turn to Greater Powers, though, I can see a path through service in my community, by applying my energy, talents, and resources to help the less fortunate. I can copy the behavior of others who show more courage, more engagement, and more initiative. And, I can begin, today, by reaching-out to someone, somewhere, who can advise my actions in different direction.
“God, please take this fear away from me today, and let me act with rationality to choose the right words to say, and the right actions to take, at the right time. Help me see, or hear, or find, someone or something today that will point me toward alternatives and solutions, and away from self-doubt and inaction. Help me be the man you created me to be, not the man that my defects, bad habits, and fears, lead me to be. Humble me, and challenge me, but lead me to my proper, useful, place.”
