Today’s Daily Reflections begins “Most of my decisions were based on fear,” which I mentally corrected, and heard as, “Most of my decisions ARE based on fear.” The reading goes on to say that we use alcohol to treat fear, but it stops working, and we need sobriety, and the 12 Steps, to learn how to take action, and to be accountable for our own lives.
I grew up anxious, afraid that I didn’t fit in, didn’t know how to act, and I was terrified to fail in any way. It literally hurt to make mistakes, and I could not control my behavior whenever I was laughed at by others or publicly corrected by them. I taught myself early that non-participation was better than risking failure and exposing myself to derision or scorn, but my temperament drove me into fist fights and other anti-social behavior. Even as a child, I suffered from an intense craving for attention and a paralyzing fear that I didn’t deserve it or couldn’t sustain it when I did.
As a drinker, I daydreamed about how I would succeed, how I would prove others wrong about me, how I would react to the winner’s spotlight, how I would get even for past slights, misunderstandings, and embarrass those who underestimated or ignored me. Of course, from my first drink, alcohol also allowed me to act unself-consciously, to be free of my anxious inhibitions for as long as I could stay standing. And, like most drunks, my freedom of word and deed only grew toxic, and then more toxic, with time.
In my 40’s, and newly recovered, I heard a friend describe three fears that rule an alcoholic’s life: we are afraid that we will not get something we want, that we will lose something we have, or we afraid that other people will understand, and reject, the REAL us. I knew immediately that he was describing me, and my motivation for almost every decision that I’ve ever made. It was fear of losing my family, and my career, and my self-respect, of total rejection by everyone and everything I care about, that brought me to recovery, to AA, and to the 12 Steps.
Using those tools now, I can at least identify the fears that drive or discourage my decisions. Once named, I talk to a friend about the specific situation, the fears it excites, and I can choose an immediate action to replace fear with faith, then effort, then satisfaction. I try very hard to limit my daydreaming, whether for a brighter future or a more luminous past, and stay anchored in today, and today’s needs. The DR also quotes “As Bill Sees It,” saying:
“The problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the courage and the grace to deal constructively with whatever fear remains.”
I am praying today for the courage and grace to face my chronic fears and to deal with them constructively TODAY. This post is positive, concrete and repeatable step in that direction.
