Nothing works when I let my feelings get hurt because I often let hurt feelings fester. I begin to think that you are excluding me, talking about me, that you’ve labeled me “an undesirable.” I will exaggerate the original slight, manufacture melodrama, and locate intent where none exists, all so I can experience strong, drunken feelings like self-pity and self-righteous anger. I will nurse that emotional buzz as long as I can, like a holiday weekend bender.
I’m not the only recovered alcoholic who still practices self-victimization. I know many recovered men and women who hear similar voices sometimes, whispering that no one understands us, no one appreciates us, and that we are tired of changing, of taking the high road, of turning the other cheek. Sometimes I just NEED to be right, to be obeyed, and to be shown some kind of tangible respect. I’m embarrassed to say that about myself, but it’s a character defect that I can’t seem to erase.
My isolation begins when I let personalities overwhelm principles, and I allow myself to feel separate, different, from the people around me. Maybe someone disagrees with me; maybe someone identifies a mistake I’ve made; maybe someone doesn’t provide praise when I think an effort is deserving. Anything large or small can start the process by which I convince myself that you don’t value me, or my effort, which means that you don’t idolize me, and I simply cannot abide anything less than grateful worship and submissive camaraderie.
At home, I will work an innocent oversight until I explode at something minor, unrelated, and seemingly random (but it’s the last loop in a complex pattern to me). As soon as I begin to unravel, I begin to sense that I’m wrong and that I should pause, walk away, and reflect on whether what I am saying really needs to be said. I never do that, though. I plow through every word in my internal script, gaining volume as I go, until I can only stomp out of the room to pout somewhere else. After another sulking day or two, I’ll make amends as best I can, and the circle resets.
As bad as a kitchen meltdown can be, at least the fear is released, if immaturely and ineffectively. When I feel ignored or unappreciated at work, or in the Fellowship, it too often leads to “stuffing.” I know that I can’t unravel in an office or in the parking lot of a recovery club, because I’ve learned that my “intensity,” aka my verbal abuse, is disturbing, at best, toxic and traumatic, at worst. I don’t want strangers to think I’m crazy, after all. Instead, I nurse the perceived slight during the drive home, into dinner and a disturbed sleep. I don’t sleep well, so I feel tired. I feel tired, so I slack my exercise and diet. I slack my exercise and diet, and then my body starts to hurt, I stop talking to people, and I start analyzing everything that anybody says or does anywhere near me – another circle resetting.
Despite years of 12 Step work, I haven’t learned to process embarrassment, disappointment or sudden fear. I am over-sensitive, easily wounded, and have a neurotic need to be right, obeyed, and admired. When I deprived of those sensations, my inner, ailing, voice doesn’t tell me that my expectations are too high, or that my needs are too complex, or that maybe someone else deserves the attention. Instead, the disease tells me that I am better off alone, doing whatever I want to do, with whomever I want to do it with. Inevitably, my illness extends that fantasy to include a bar, a bourbon, a beer and either a pack of cigarettes or a can of Skoal. The indignation begets self-pity begets isolation begets unprincipled action begets active addiction, at least for me.
Worse, I hurt people. When I stopped drinking, and committed to change, I swore to God that I would learn better, and I try. Using 12 Step tools, I can name these fears, own my ugly behavior, and be accountable through amend-making and by modifying my behavior, no matter how any tries it takes. The same tools that I used to quit alcohol, and nicotine, will eventually enable me to process self-seeking fears, stop stuffing minor resentments, and start communicating my wishes and needs like a well-balanced adult. Today, I am leaving a bad stretch of self-pity and sadness. To compensate, I am applying The Steps today in three tangible, sustainable ways:
— I am asking my Higher Power to eliminate my fear, absorb my anger, and direct my thinking to what They would have me be today.
— Since I believe that my HP would have me be physically healthy, intellectually curious, and loving to all, I am exercising, maintaining a healthy diet, journaling, and behaving as if nothing, and no one, offended me.
— I am eliminating isolation by inviting friends to coffee, to specific meetings, and by engaging people via text and phone.
One of my new mantras is “I bring people along,” as a reminder that self-reliance is symptom of my disease, not a prescription or cure. Inevitably, I always need more WE in my life as an antidote to ME. I know that I’ve been given everything I need to be happy, joyous, free … and purposeful. But that happiness, that freedom, and that purpose are always found among you, never among me, alone. I need to experience your presence, and our fellowship, daily, if I am ever to be exactly what my God intended me to be. Today I am once again trudging the road of happy destiny, but I am actively seeking companions for the trip.
