I want to wake every day with gratitude, to immediately be excited by the prospects of a new day, the actions before me, and the interactions awaiting. But I don’t. My first thought is almost always some lingering fear, or conflict, or frustrating task, awaiting, and my first movements are almost always awkward, stiff, and uncomfortable, if not outright painful from the soles of my feet into my lower back. This morning was no different, as I woke from an anxiety dream around 4:45 am, limped hunching into the bathroom, resolved to make today different than yesterday.
I lost my job yesterday, officially, after a 30-day notice period. I also raised my voice to a loved one during an argument, a confrontation, that was wholly unnecessary. Then, I spent much of the afternoon sad, despairing, and in a YouTube rathole that I re-descended after a beautiful dinner with my wife. I burned almost an entire day worrying, constructing imaginary comebacks, and obsessively, repeatedly, reading the same news sources every hour-on-the-hour. At my age, in my recovery, and with my privilege, I am supposed to know better, and do better.
So, at 4:45 this morning, after achingly moving from the bed to the bathroom to the closet, I dressed for exercise, went downstairs, and read Scripture for 30 minutes or so. I try to follow the outline of a mobile app that I downloaded for free, and so read a Psalm, a Chapter from the Prophet Isaiah, and a chapter from the Gospel According to Matthew. I tried to identify a common theme between the three readings, and settled on “the need for, the preparation for, and the acceptance of, constant change in a chaotic world.”
We are at the end of a chaotic week, me and the world, and we will not know for some time whether these upheavals are cathartic, and therefore creative, or simply another form of seething, inarticulate rage, and therefore destructive. As I jogged this morning, I tried to whisper a gratitude list among the birdsong and occasional traffic sound:
- I am deeply grateful to be healthy enough for a run today. I can clearly remember when I was not healthy enough to run around the block, much less go 4.3 miles.
- I am aware that safety is gift, and a privilege, and I felt very grateful for the gift of my immediate neighborhood, where I can jog without fear before the sun is fully risen.
- I live a life of second-, third- and fourth-chances, which is also a gift and a privilege given to me by Recovery and by the love family, friends, and colleagues. I could imagine this morning, as the sun rose, how many people never get a second-chance, at all, and I need to be more vocal about the grace that I’ve been granted, often undeservedly.
- And, lastly, my thoughts were clear that this grace, and these gifts, and this privilege, is easily wasted, and taken for granted. I was reminded by my HP that “to keep it, you have to give it away.” And I was told, by the waking world around me, that I have to acknowledge just how many, many, others deserve the same, but never, ever, get it.
These realizations humbled me, “right-sized” me, and I must keep that humility at the very front of my mind, as I try to use my grace, and my gifts, and my privilege, to help others before using them primarily to enrich myself.
I had a good run, not great but representing progress, and came home to attend a 7:30 am recovery meeting, virtually. Again, privileged to have internet access, a laptop, and other toys that many, many others don’t have, and mindful, again, that I need to repay this debt more aggressively, more visibly. I still have a long day ahead of me, and much uncertainty, but I am humbly aware – right this minute – how much support, friendship, and goodwill is available, if I am strong enough to ask for help, and if I am willing to give help, regardless.
“God, thank you the many gifts, and graces, and privileges, that you give to me, whether I deserve them or not, and whether I know how to use them or not. Be with me today as I try to be a better husband, a better father, a better son, and a better friend. Give me intuition, and understanding, to use your gifts properly, and to praise you as the source and support. Strengthen me, guide me, grant me discipline, throughout this day and every day.”
